Saying Goodbye…

Dec 8, 2008 by

I tried to create a post title that was more poetic, but a wordsmith I am not. This post is written on a personal note, and may dishearten some; I won’t be sharing any new tricks, reflections, or resources today.

I had mentioned it before on a few earlier posts that my wife and I were pregnant with our second child. We were 4 months pregnant, and were thrilled that our 3 year old was finally starting to realize that something was different about Mommy. Many questions were asked at the dinner table, extra toys were set aside during playtime (for the baby, Daddy!), and we were starting to plan what our summer would be like with a newborn.

Unfortunately, at the 4 month check-up we learned that the baby’s heart had stopped. Our little unborn child had not been growing for the past two weeks and we would have to make an appointment at the hospital the next day for a planned miscarriage. We spent most of Friday sitting in a delivery room (the irony was quite bitter), waiting for the medication to induce labor to work before moving down to surgery. Nicole and I played cards, watched some television shows I can’t recall, and I read to her while she attempted to nap.

There were many small moments filled with tears, some amid awkward silences, and others coming in the middle of conversations. We left the hospital Friday evening exhausted, emotionally drained, and a bit disoriented from the after effects of the anesthesia. We’ve been saying goodbye with the help of our friends (who brought us the most delicious pasta dish on Saturday), my mother-in-law (who drove across the state to be with us), and our 3 year old (who watched Cinderella more times this weekend than I can count). I spent some time last night talking with my closest friend, and was able to share a lot of thoughts that really helped.

I may be posting again soon, and I may not; it really depends on how soon our lives start to return to normal. There’s a lot of cleaning to do around the house, and a lot of schoolwork to catch up on, but I know that talking and writing will help.

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36 Comments

  1. Diane

    Wow, Ben this is tough news. Thank you for sharing your pain. My tears for you and Nicole and your precious loss. Big hug!! Diane

  2. Ben, I am very sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with your family. We suffered a similar loss nearly 18 years ago and know of the pain.

    Sincerely,

    Kelly

  3. Ben,

    My family’s thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We are sorry for your loss.

    With good thoughts,

    Jason

  4. JC

    Your family is in my thoughts and prayers at this difficult time. Please take care.

  5. Ren Baldwin

    You, Nicole, Ella, and your entire family are certainly in my thoughts and prayers. We will understand completely your abasence from this great forum for a while.

  6. Ben,

    I am so sorry. I don’t know you personally, but you share so much of yourself in your writings that I feel like I do. My heart goes out to you, your wife, and daughter. Time and the loving support of family and friends will bring comfort.

    Take care,
    Cindy in SC

  7. I cannot imagine what you and your family are going through, but my thoughts and prayers are with you all.

    Ian H.s last blog post..What I read 12/07/2008

  8. Tom

    Ben,

    I am so very sorry for you and your family.

    While I know there’s likely nothing I can do, please know that if you need anything . . .

    Tom

    Toms last blog post..Zombie Vocab – Castigate

  9. Karen Bosch

    Let me add my voice to say that I will say a prayer for you in this difficult time.

  10. Kate Ter Haar

    You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers too.

  11. Ben,
    Echoing what many of the folks on here have already said, I know there is little that an unknown person across the Internet miles can do as far as comfort. Know that your family is in the thoughts and prayers of our family. Your voice online will be missed during your absence, but this is certainly one of those times where everyone steps back and recognizes the importance of family. God bless!

    Todd

    Todd Williamsons last blog post..Body Systems Podcast Links

  12. Ben,
    I suspect that in time your love of sharing and education will bring you back, but I can sure understand that you have to take a break and focus on your family right now. Good on you, as you’ve spread an awful lot of good stuff over the time you’ve done this.
    I feel for you…….it’s just hard…unbelieveably hard. Hold tight to those around you and treasure every day. We’ll see you in a bit I’m sure. And we’ll have you all in our thoughts in the meantime.
    AH

  13. My heart goes out to you and your family. This is very painful and takes time. I suffered a similar loss over 18 years ago. It takes time and healing happens at your family’s own pace. God bless you and your family. We will all be keeping you in our thoughts and prayers.

    Louise Maines last blog post..Personal cost of bullying…

  14. cathyinoz

    So very sorry to hear of your loss. Please accept the condolences of a stranger who has enjoyed and learned so much from what you have shared on this blog.

  15. Stein Brunvand

    Ben,

    I’m writing as yet another admirer of your great blog. My wife and I lost a child to miscarriage 3 years ago nearly to the day and after having two healthy and wonderful children we never thought something like that could happen. Like the many followers of this blog who have commented before me, I will keep you in my thoughts. As I’m sure you are well aware, your time now is best spent in the company of your wife and daughter and not worrying about work or maintaining your blog. Take all the time you need.

    Stein

  16. Ursula Accumanno

    Hi Ben,
    I am sorry for your loss. I have been through this painful experience myself & know how you & your wife are feeling. You will get through this with the support of family and friends. It has been 20 years for me, and I am blessed with almost 18 year-old twins, yet I cry as I read your post and write this. My prayers go out to you.
    Ursula

  17. Ben, I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I’m sending positive thoughts to you and your family.

    Pam Shoemakers last blog post..Disruptive Innovation

  18. Sue

    Ben,
    Condolences to you and your wife. I miscarried as well 20 years ago and the pain will go away but there will always be thoughts of what if? and what could have been? Getting over it is really tough, but it sounds like you have lots of love and support. I have a lovely 18 year old now and feel very blessed.
    Best wishes to you and your family!
    Sue

  19. ken fletcher

    Ben,
    Thank you for sharing. My wife miscarried in a similar situation many years ago. There really are no words, but the heart yearns. I offer my prayers.

  20. Ben, I am so sorry to hear this. My sister went through a very similar situation but later in her term. It was rough on all of us. I wrote a song actually (though I wouldn’t call myself like super professional or anything). It’s called Sweet Baby Blue. You can listen to it if/when you feel like it. It’s my prayer for all families and individuals that go through this kind of loss. http://blog.allisonweiss.com/2008/07/14/sweet-baby-blue/

  21. Luis Verma

    Ben,
    My heart and prayers go out to you and your entire family. You have done so much to further my interest in integrating technology into education then any in-service or professional development opportunity and I thank you.
    Take time to heal and support your family and once again my prayers are with you.

  22. Ben and Family,
    I’m so sorry about your loss, and my heart goes out to you all. Please know that your MACUL family has you in our thoughts and prayers.

  23. Ben-That just sucks. I have stood in your shoes twice. Once also with a three-year old. So it is with experience and wisdom that I repeat–it just sucks, sucks, sucks. Remember that you will both travel very different paths back to where this is not on your mind every second of every day. Be patient. Try not to place blame. Love your wife. Give an extra hug to that three year old every day. The memories of the day will never grow less painful, but the time between the memories will increase. It will.

    Paul Bogushs last blog post..Are you preparing your kids for the unexpected?

  24. Ben and Nicole,

    I am truly sorry to hear of your loss. These events leave a mark for life but, over time, the pain slowly diminishes. The March of Dimes offers a tender and helpful bereavement kit free to familes who have lost a baby through misarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancy, stillbirth… You can read about it and order one at the following link if it sounds like something you might want. http://www.marchofdimes.com/pnhec/572_15999.asp

    Best wishes to you and your family.

  25. Laura Cummings

    Ben, I was so saddened to read about your loss. You, Nicole and the rest of your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Laura

  26. Shawn Massey

    Ben,

    I was very sorry to learn about your family’s loss, today. I wish Nicole, your daughter, and you comfort and peace during this most difficult time.

    Prayerfully,
    Shawn

  27. Ben,

    You don’t know me, but I just subscribed to your blog today only to read your heartbreaking post. I am so sorry for your loss. Ironically, my neighbor, who was 17 weeks along, lost her baby just Wednesday. They too found out at the ultrasound that there was no heartbeat and that the baby stopped growing around 15 weeks. Last night I took them dinner and dessert, a flower arrangement and a card. Having suffered a miscarriage myself, I know there is nothing you can say or do that will heal the pain, but it helps to have people there if and when you ever want to talk.

    I will be thinking of you and your family.

    Amber Coggin

    Amber Coggins last blog post..Wordle Holiday Cards

  28. Patti Harju

    Ben,
    I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers.

  29. Ben,
    Your site was recommended by a fellow teacher and I just added you to my google reader feed which brought your heart breaking news to me this evening. My first child was born three months early and made it home after 12 weeks in the NICU only to pass away unexpectedly from SIDS at 6 1/2 months so although the loss is different I still understand losing a child. Please know that you and your family will be in my heart and my prayers in the days and weeks to come. My only advice to you as you move through the coming days and weeks and months is to know that God is with you in even your darkest hours. Hold tight to the love you have for your wife and your 3 year old and know that it is ok for you to grief in your own way and in your own time. It’s ok and perfectly normal to be angry. Don’t bury it. Lean on those who love you and do what feels right to your heart. I wish you peace in the coming days.
    With my most sincere condolences,
    Sharon MacDermaid – Lowell, MI

  30. Lisa Wickman

    Ben,

    I’m so sorry. My prayers for healing go out to you and your family. ~Lisa

  31. Krystin

    I’m new to the site and SO sorryto hear about your loss. I know exactly how you and your wife must feel for at around the same point she was at I lost a child too. It can be a hard thing to deal with. My prayers are with you and your family.

  32. jim

    It’s the middle of January and I just read you blog. As I write this I have a tear in my eye and a bit of sadness in my heart for your loss. Our prayers are with you too.

    Jim

  33. Ben,
    My wife and I have suffered similar heartbreaks. Spending time with each other and our now 12 year-old daughter reminds us that life not only continues, it continues to be wonderful and filled with mysteries. Take as much time as you need. Hug your wife and 3 year-old. Watch lots of Cinderella. We look forward to your blogging return.
    Paul

  34. Just saw your post on GeekTyrant and thought I’d check out your blog.

    Really sorry to hear about your loss – hope you all get through it as best you can.

  35. Hugh Hughes

    I am sorry for your loss. My wife and I went through the same thing. My prayers are with your family.

  36. sorry man, life throws some hard punches sometime,,best regards
    bill

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